Each year, The A.V. Club receives hundreds of albums, thousands of press releases, and several thousand more show listings for hundreds of venues around the country. At any given moment, our editors are besieged by information on bands, most of whom we've never heard of. Sifting through all that info, we inevitably encounter questionable band names. Actually, you could argue any moniker is questionable, but we keep an ongoing list of the worst and funniest ones we see. Then, come December, we whittle them down for our annual Worst Band Names feature. This list isn't a compendium of the worst names of all time–or a statement on the quality of their music–just the ones we encountered this year. New for this year: Asterisks next to our favorites. Who's ready to rock?
METAL (OR METAL-SOUNDING)
Song title: "Bleed The Fifth." Puns so aren't evil, dudes.
Engaged In Mutilating
My Son My Executioner
Lambs Of Abortion
Slaughter The Weak
"When you hear the name Slaughter The Weak you think metal font band or white belt grind, we are neither, we are the new band featuring ex members of Bloody December, The Love The Prey, and Salvination." Gotcha.
Benighted In Sodom
Winner, Best MySpace Headline: "Misery will be my opiate."
Terminally Your Aborted Ghost
Sadly, they aborted themselves in July.
Circle Of Dead Children
Celebrating "10 Years of Grinding FTW Blackened Sewage & Hate." Don't get so sentimental on us, guys.
Waking The Cadaver
Next year's prom slow dance staple: "I Know The Insides Of Women"-or, maybe, "Type A Secretor"
The hits: "The Inerrancy Of Profanation," "Decadent Orgy" (is there any other kind?), "Rancid Cesspool"
This Austrian band promises "AUSTRIAN BRUTAL MOSHING SLAM DEATH," via songs like "Just A Fucking Bitch," "Nailing Wet Cunts," "Analfucked With Highheels," and "On Killing Spree."
Wondering what happened to those dudes from Lust Of Decay and Putrilage? Here they are! Check out "Raped Apart."
First album: Your Daughter's Twat Filled With My Cock.
Fecalized Rectal Sperm Spewage
"one man porn groove nightmare"
Sublime Cadaveric Decomposition
Harvest The Murdered
Currently needs a bass player!
Methadone Abortion Clinic
Hmm, we're sensing a song-title pattern with these metal bands: "Hit 'Er In The Shitter," "Menstrual Minestrone"
Beneath The Strangled Mass
MELODRAMATIC THEATER NERD NAMES
Roses On Her Grave
From Bliss To Devastation
Find lyrics on their MySpace blog so you can sing along!
Tears Of Mars
Ecstasy The Flower
A Stained Glass Romance
Song: "No Way Jose Canseco."
"Considered the premiere symphonic dark metal band in North America," according to their MySpage page.
Screams Of Winter
Heavens Have Strayed
Strength Behind Tears
Druids Of Stonehenge
Druids Of Huge
The Distant Fear Of A Legend
A Whisper In The Noise
Black Fortress Of Opium
Steel Blades Of Vengeance
Here's basically all that's on their MySpace page: "WE ARE MUSICIANS,NOT COMPUTER ENTHUSIASTS,YOU WANT METAL, DENVER?COME TO THE SHOWS AND WE SHALL PROVIDE"
For The Fallen Dreams
Echoes Of Eternity
Their MySpace page has code for four MySpace ads & three EOE-style MySpace contact tables, six buddy icons, four banner ads for their merch, another for their endorsements, one for their poster, and another for their album. EOE is fucking working it!
Perfection Is A Myth
True, because these song titles aren't perfect: "Michael J. Fox Gives Me The Shakes," "Subway V.S. Mama Cass," "Paris, Does This Camera Have Night Shot?". Or maybe they are.
Common Yet Forbidden
Ruins Of Honor
"Greed, irresponsibility, and fear have turned the human race into a pathetic mass of whining stupidity… There is no Honor. Only Hate will set you Free." (Emphasis theirs.)
The Stones We Throw
Crane Your Swan Neck
Song titles don't come any more emo than this: "Staple My Heart Closed," "Whilst I Was Away," "I Held Your Hand."
The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
Your Kisses Cause Crashes
Blessed By A Broken Heart
They're from Montreal; maybe this translates into something less lame in French.
Say Hello To The Angels
Strike one: Naming yourself after an Interpol song. They're also looking for a bass player!
I Set My Friends On Fire
Top 10 finalist, Longest MySpace Bio.
Blues Skies For Black Hearts
Eyes Set To Kill
[pagebreak] THE FUNKS NEVER LEARN
Future Funk Squad
Not a funk band, but still damned.
May have changed his name to FUNKMA$TER, which is also bad.
A Nickel Bag Of Funk
Even if this is a Digable Planets reference, FAIL. Though their music has been featured in "a personally requested feature for movie star Sandra Bulloch." What does that mean?
Funk In The Trunk
Unsurprisingly, at least two bands are vying for this moniker: one in Chicago and one in the home of the funk, Billings, Mont.
Anthony Smith's Trunk Fulla Funk
From Mr. Smith's memoir, The Lizard Stays In The Cage: "I suppose there are worse rackets than mimicking the movements of delicious crustaceans." So true.
The Good, The Bad, & The Funky
Chicken Noodle Funk
"WE NEED ARTWORK AND A NEW NAME!!!!!" Indeed.
God Made Me Funky
"Whut Up Y'all! WELCOME to the newly hella-Nufunkified God Made Me Funky website. Now the Nu-funk is officially in effect!" Their hometown? Toronto.
"yesterday holds the key to tomorrow," advises their MySpage page. That's the kind of wisdom you could only find in a Funk Ark, not that cracker-ass Ark Of The Covenant!
Weapons Of Mass DeFunktion
JUST BECAUSE IT'S LONG DOESN'T MAKE IT GOOD
Magically Delicious Smoking Skunk Monkey
Perpetual Dusk At Curtsy Caverns
The R&B Freejazz Gospel Supreme 80
The Kind Of Jazz Music That Kills
The Hobo Nephews Of Uncle Frank
What Laura Says And Thinks And Feels
Apparently, she says, thinks, and feels each dude in the band should be a serious hair-farmer.
Triumph Of Lethargy Skinned Alive To Death
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
Shitty Shitty Band Band
Shitty Beach Boys
WOW, PEOPLE STILL DO THIS?
Coup De Ska
HEY, WE SMOKE POT!
Album title: Tube Of The Resinated
Three Stoned Men
Song titles: "Too Stoned," "Stoned," "Too Lazy To Pee," "Hey Brother Roll A Joint," "Fog Bank."
It's a Tool song, but that doesn't make it okay-and this hip-hop crew don't look like Tool fans.
Post Mortem Bong Hit
Self-described "sloppy stoner jogg-rock." What does "jogg" mean? Here's the first Google result. [NSFW]
BAD ATTEMPTS TO SOUND FUNKY
Yo, it's like music that keeps you hydrated!
Original Booty Burglars
Ride The Boogie
[pagebreak] HIPPIE-SOUNDING NONSENSE
Offspring Of The Native Tongue
Children Of The Flower Children
Acoustic Tree Of Liberty
Child Of The Black Madonna
Weaver At The Loom
Scribes Of Fire
The band cohered over "shared interests in philosophy, mysticism, and doom metal."
Cherish The Ladies
The Color Truth
INVOKING THE ALMIGHTY
Who's Your Favorite Son God
Song titles: "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dad," "Space Jam," "3 Men Vs. A Baby"
God's Day Off
"Colorado's perkiest and most well groomed band !!!"
God Fires Man
Jesus Fucking Christ*
MySpace URL: myspace.com/jesusfuckingchristpuke
Jesus Causes Cancer
"Jesus Causes Cancer! With that said, come and see a show. Do a beer bong. Fight the band. Buy us vodka. Boo and heckle us! Bring a Jew!"
Insects With Tits
Best Bitch In Show
Pussy Cow (also Pu$$y-Cow)
Wicked Pussy From The Wild West
Gestapo Pussy Ranch
Diarrhea Till You Die*
"We are four kids who want to change the world. We are against the ignorance that plagues our society, we are against the money that controls it, we are against the religious fucks who call it thier own. We have a sense of humor."
Subterranean Fecal Root
Homepage URL: shitgrind.com.
Song titles: "Smelling My Sister's Diapers," "My Fishy Cooter," "AIDS In the Pork Bun," "Fart Sucker"
Lyrics available here.
(RANDOM THING) AND (RANDOM OTHER THING)
Vigo The Carpathian And The Thrash Money Millionairez
Their MySpace page is in Wingdings. Punk! Ghostbusters 2 reference. Not punk!
Steve E. Nix And The Cute Lepers
White Shoes And The Couples Company
Nacho Cheese And The Headgear Honeys
Midnight Spaghetti And The Chocolate G-Strings
Princess Die Die Die & The Dody Flayed's
Supa Ranks And His Rock Stone High Power
Somebody And The Really Somethings
Bonghit Billy And The Ass-Crack Tassles
Lee Press-On And The Nails
Sleezus Fist And The Latter Day Taints
LSD And The Search For God
Yuzo Nieto & The Hand That Rocks The Dradle
Sex With No Hands
3 Piston Ass Hammer
The Self-Congratulatory One-Man Reach-Around*
Touched By A Janitor*
[pagebreak] WILL FOREVER BE MISSPELLED BY PROMOTERS
You Had Me At Hello
No band could survive with that name, and these guys didn't.
It's a Dead Kennedys reference, but they're running with it on songs like "Vomit Out Your Faith," "War From Religion," and "Pentagrams Of Blood."
CURRENT REFERENCES THAT WON'T AGE WELL
Terrorist Fist Jab
Subprime Blues Band
Ogre Smash Death Boom
Death Music From The Doll House
Five Finger Death Punch*
Death Is Not A Joyride
STILL DOING THE WOLF THING
When The Wolf (Arrives)
Holocaust Wolves Of The Apocalypse
You'll obviously recognize that name as a Bestial Warlust reference.
SIMPLE AND PERFECT
I've Ruined You Over The Years
And I'll Form The Head*
Lady I'm A Peaceful Man
Fuck… I'm Dead*
Carlos I'm Pregnant
I Was Totally Destroying It*
I See Hawks In L.A.
Lasers And Fast And Shit*
MySpace URL: myspace.com/computersex
Fuck The Informer
Fucked By The State
The Fucking Buckaroos
Star Fucking Hipsters
Simon Go Fuck Yourself
The phrase uttered by millions of frustrated American Idol contestants and viewers now has its own band.
The Fucking Wrath*
Big Fuckin Skull
Eskimo Kisses For Mommy
A Cure For The Mondays
Baby Birds Don't Drink Milk
Electric Tickle Machine
Tickle Me Pink
Twi The Humble Feather
The Cutest Puppy In The World
Justice Of The Unicorns
Album title: Angels With Uzis.
Prizzy Prizzy Please
Yay For Squares
[pagebreak] REWORKING PROPER NAMES & TRADEMARKS
Weird Al Qaeda
The John Hughes Fan Club
"John Hughes always leaves you with a memorable moment in his movies and The John Hughes Fan Club strives to do the same."
The John Hughes Overdrive
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
This is probably a High Fidelity reference, but Jack Black or not, it's a bad name.
Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Winner, Worst Band Name Of '08.
Andrew Jackson Jihad
Blog entry: "Do you or someone you love know how to get a cheap rental car?"
June With A Cleaver
Harrison Ford Escort
Bin Laden Blowin Up
John Wilkes' Kissing Booth
Flock Of Steven Seagals
Phallus In Chains
The Tao Jones
Carnage Asada Blasé Faire
Yes! Yes! Take Off Your Dress!
We Are! We Are!
Sans Pants! Ska Band!
Balloons Is Fun!?!
Alas, Alak, Alaska!
TRAD FOLKS GONE AWRY
Menage A Twang
Give Us The Money Lebowski
The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers
Han And The Rebellion
Previously On Lost
"We play recap-rock," says their MySpage page. Song titles: "Ballad Of Sayid Jarrah" and "The Island Won't Let You Die."
Calling Jack Burton
Kneel To Zod
Hmm, their album Whispering Every Word Into A Smile also puts them in the emo category.
You, Me & Everyone We Know
The Killer Dolphin With Rabies
Super-old Seinfeld reference = bad band name. But there's something behind it: "SPONGE WORTHY WAS FORMED, WITH MUCH LOVE, IN WACO, TEXAS. DEDICATED TO THE IDEA, THAT AT LEAST ONE TIME IN OUR LIVES, WE WERE ALL SPONGE WORTHY."
HEY, KINDA FUNNY
Negroes On Ice*
Piss Piss Piss Moan Moan Moan*
The Unnecessary Gunpoint Lecture*
Who Put The Bad Mouth On Me
A Fox Can Be Hungry
The Importance Of Going Blind
Surfing With An Alien
Just what the world was asking for: a Joe Satriani tribute band! Blah, blah, Coldplay joke, blah blah.
My Brother, The Welder
A BIG YES… and a small no
Dolphins Into The Future
"the sounds are information received through thelepathic / empathic communication with dolphins. all sounds and compositions are made under the proces of automatic writing. this is information about the past and future of earth."
Chicken Pickle Monkey Car
Guy Who Looks Like Me With Glasses*
Oh Shit! A Geyser*
Nero's Day At Disneland
Fatal Kitten Rampage
Safe Boating Is No Accident*
"The space between a dwarf star and a dwarf mouse may at times seem vast and unavigable. Truly it is inhabited both by glaciers and gibbons, brassieres and butter, but the distance can most certainly be closed. Here is the key: Safe Boating Is No Accident."
Too Pretty For Porn
Sobriety Starts Tomorrow
Mincemeat Or Tenspeed
New Maximum Donkey
Anger Is A Gift
Animals On Coke
Played a show with a band called Hookers And Blow.
The Greatest Touchdown Ever Scored*
A-Bomb For The Pentagon
White, Wrench, Conservatory
Biblical Proof Of UFOs
Black Power In Vietnam
The Spherical Banana
Cymbals Eat Guitars
RacecaR Is A Palindrome
JUST PLAIN STUPID
We Go To 11
They're barely in their teens, so they get a pass.
Had "a damned stupid name for a band" on its MySpace page.
Mushroom Murder Mob
The Chicago group sent out this e-mail last month: "Mushroom Murder Mob needs pictures of you nipples. We are almost finished with our new CD and are working on the covers and sleeve ,So please send us a close up shot of your nipps ,. If your nipple makes you get a FREE CD!!!!!!"
A Band Called Pain
Want more bad names? Check out previous years' lists: 2007, 2006.