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How To Apologize For Horrifically Beating Your Girlfriend

1. Timing. You have to time your public apology for slamming your girlfriend's head against a car window (among other terrible abuses) just right. Wait at least six months before saying anything. This will allow your regret to ripen until it is just right. In that time, let your jet-skiing speak for you—It knows just what to say (i.e., "Woooooooooooo!")

2. Location. It's probably best to film your apology at your lawyer's office, or at least in front of a "generic lawyer's office" backdrop. Nothing says, "I'm sincere about this vague, lawyer-scripted apology" like a set-up in front of some Venetian blinds and a potted office plant.


3. Wardrobe is key. Wear something in a nice "jailhouse orange" hue. This signals to the viewer that you are being severely punished, even if you're just doing a bunch of community service and probation. Also: weird mandarin collar = "I'm so contrite." Think about it, when you go to PF Chang's, don't the waiters always look like they're apologizing? That's because of their uniforms (and the fact that they work at PF Chang's)!

4. Keep it vague! When you print out your apology cue cards from the PublicApologyBot 3000, check to make sure the word "assault" is never mentioned. You should never actually say what you're apologizing for, i.e., beating your girlfriend to a bruised, swollen pulp. Use vague terms like, "the incident" and passive language like "what happened" and "what occured in February." This way, you're shifting the blame away from yourself even as you're apologizing! Pretty cool, right? It wasn't something you did, it was just something that "happened"—like gravity or wind. Maybe the wind punched Rihanna? Who knows? Certainly not you.

5. God, God, God. Mention God a lot. People really go for that. Also use the term "spiritual teachers" as if that actually means something.

6. Youtube that shit! Post your heartfelt apology on YouTube (after sending a copy to TMZ). Is there any better avenue for sincere contrition? No. No there isn't.

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