Good news, everyone! People has an "exclusive" interview with Chris Brown in this week's issue—yes, it's even more "exclusive" than Larry King's interview with Brown!—and it will easily fill you with enough rage to sustain you through the long Labor Day weekend.
Why? Well, it appears that Brown is still moving forward with his "It Ain't My Fault (Did I Do That?)" Non-Apology Tour of 2009. A few highlights from the People interview (which isn't online):
People: An alleged photo of bruised Rihanna was leaked online. How did you feel when you saw that?
Chris Brown: Shocked. I didn't know whether it was altered. I hadn't seen any damage like that. It upset me a lot.
Aww. Poor Chris Brown. Let's not forget who the real victim here is, y'all. People are constantly out to get Chris Brown with all those "altered" police photos of the "abuse" "he" "inflicted" on his girlfriend's face.
Also, could you even imagine how traumatizing it would be to see photos like that of the damage you did to your girlfriend's face? The only thing more traumatizing would probably be, you know, being the bruised, damaged person in those photos.
People: Did you apologize to Rihanna?
CB: Yeah, ASAP. I also wrote a song for her called "Changed Man," explaining how when we ere apart it took a toll on me. At the end I'm saying I'm a changed man. I gave her that record fright after the incident.
That is just so sweet for Chris Brown to try to emotionally manipulate his victim like that after savagely beating her. It's practically Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist: Part Two, or, like Chris told Larry King, Romeo & Juliet. And how would that song go, exactly? "Baby, being apart from you is killing me/ more than the way I tried to kill you"?
Then there's this:
People: Oprah Winfrey did a show on abuse, inspired by Rihanna.
CB: I commend Oprah on being like, "This is a problem," but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, "Okay. I'm going to help both of these people out."
Yeah, Chris Brown. I guess you could say that Oprah doing a show about domestic abuse is like a "slap in the face" to all the domestic abusers she's (unknowingly) friends with. But you know what's more like a slap in the face? Domestic abuse. Not to mention the way you actually hit Rihanna in her face, and are now going around using terms like "slap in the face" in a figurative way to express the way that you were "victimized" by Oprah. (Oprah's response is here.)
Also, accompanying the article is a photo of Chris Brown where he basically has his mother in a chokehold.
Feel that bile rising up to the back of your throat? It should be there all long weekend now. See you Tuesday!