As the year closes and the world takes stock of what it has seen and learned the past 12 months, The A.V. Club continues its hallowed annual tradition of quantifying the the funny, terrible, bizarre, offensive, and otherwise notable band names it encountered this year. This year’s crop includes two drawings of cartoon penises—in retrospect, there could’ve been so many more—so you’ve been warned, office workers. And just wait until you hear what “just the right height no bucket required” means.
Retooled proper names
- Songs from this year’s Blunt Raps 2: “Hoes Call,” “Dick Suckin Song,” “David Blowie,” “Big Ass Titties” (“She got big-ass titties / I mean big ass titties”)
- This works on a couple levels: as a reference to the beloved former first lady, and as an allusion to Party Down, which is mentioned in the liner notes of the Jumping Boys EP: “dedicated to the amazing show Party Down… Jah blesssss.”
- This is the first time a band has appeared on our annual band-names feature and A.V. Undercover. Congrats, guys.
- Tracks from its latest, Snake Person Generation: “Real Wet Feet Get Real Wet” (which lasts 17:41), “22 Dogs All Tuckered Out After A Walk.”
- There are worse names for a mashup project, though this video is surprisingly serious-looking for a group with a goofy name:
President Bill Clinton
- Co-winner, Least Effective Name For Googling
- Influences, per Facebook: “Kevin Spacey in K-Pax”
- This Portuguese band plays jazzgrind (jazz-inflected grindcore) with a pronounced sociopolitical slant, judging by its song titles: “Constructive Subcapitalist Theory,” “Precapitalist Sublimation,” “Society Is Part Of The Absurdity Of Art,” “Mythopoetical Nihilism,” and, uh, “Cona Anal” (“Anal Cunt”).
- Naturally, this grindcore group’s Bandcamp page can be found at evildash.bandcamp.com, and the cover of 2013’s Hail To The King looks like this:
- Bio: “We are a four piece crust grind noise never ending force of nature. Our origins are unknown, but our task in life is to defeat the evil that dwells within life’s cycle, which is the madness that grows with power.”
- “Formerly known as: Keef & His Beef”
- Take that, embattled mayor of Chicago!
Pop culture references
- Awesome URLs: venkmanburninhell.bandcamp.com, facebook.com/venkmanburninhell
- The longest song on this year’s Slumber Party is 1:27 (“Big McLargeHuge”), with the shortest clocking in at a scant three seconds (“Firetruck”).
- “Genre: ANXIETY POP”
- Cheesy homemade music video with strippers? Check.
- Specified genres: anti-civ post-punk, tree goths, anarcho-deathrock, queer darkwave. But this is a pretty metal album cover:
- “The Pac Men are the most hired 80s dance band for private parties in Southern California. They involve your guests as part of their show. They offer zany ‘adult only’ shows or family shows depending on what you desire.” Wow, the most hired?!
- Genre: spacecore, naturally—though the song title “I Went And Got A Gatorade” doesn’t sound sound like a line from E.T.
The Simpsons still inspire
- This headline from the Independent says it all: “There is a Ned Flanders-themed metal band called Okilly Dokilly”
- All the bonus points for this band description: “Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski”
So does Seinfeld
- Former member: El Ron Chubbard.
- Lyrics of “The Continuing Decline Of Customer Service In The Food And Beverage Industry”: “Man that waiter, he knows a lot about music / Man that waiter, he knows a lot about amps / Man that waiter, he knows a lot about everything but pouring coffee / Someone grab that waiter and have him get us napkins if you get a chance.”
- Other songs: “Someday Baby, You Will Miss These Dance Moves,” “Our City, Our Shithole,” “Born To Co-Sign,” “I Am A Very Selfish Lover With Specific Selfish Needs,” “A Hug Will Only Make It Worse.”
More band names inspired by Rushmore, please
- Best play ever, man.
- Double points for this album title: Did Somebody Say Our Names? Who would’ve guessed the genre is hip-hop?
Star Wars, pre-Episode VII
Brands that probably aren’t pleased
- Some history for you, pretender A.V. Club, a.k.a. “members of Chicago’s top working and original music bands”: In 2005, the White House told Onion Inc. to stop using the presidential seal. Our legal team told them to shove it. Don’t fuck with us. Also, describing your collective as “a Saturday Night Live sort of band” that delivers “a wildly organic and original sound” will do nothing but earn further mockery from us.
- Better known as Arcade Fire’s Win Butler, dressed like some kind of desperado.
- Genre: “serial killer grindcore,” which doesn’t sound all that fun. The band’s moniker is presumably taken from the 1995 Autopsy album of the same name.
Shit Of Satan
- Genre: “gothic delaycore”
- Facebook band description: “Born in a barrel of butcher knives, and sleeping on a bed of cobras. Raleigh’s very worst people.”
- Could a band description sound less enticing than “a side project of The Pizza Underground”?
- This is a band composed of the members of The Angry Inch from Broadway, and the band name comes from a lyric in that show. Please link to your Jars Of Clay/Hedwig And The Angry Inch mash-ups in the comments.
- Hey, don’t try to hide that you’re a Grateful Dead cover band, guys. We’re onto you.
Rapist With No Penis
- You probably remember their split with Vomitoma on Splatterfuck Tapes.
Stuff that comes out of penises
- Young Cum and Spewing Cum played a show together in New York in October. Sadly, the two other bands on the bill, Hounds Basket and Greasy Hearts, didn’t go by Hounds Cum and Greasy Cum for the show.
- Metal name, but the group self-describes as a “ukulele-fronted, sock-hop party band.”
- Lyrics from super-catchy song “Sky Ferreira”: “To make money in 2008 / A friend of mine answered an ad to drive a man in a wheelchair to have sex with a prostitute / To make money in 2008 / A friend of mine posted an ad to sell her dirty underwear online to men who would use it to masturbate.” The titular chanteuse isn’t mentioned until later: “Sky Ferreira, tell me how to wear my hair like that.”
Various body parts
- Winner, Album Cover Too Gross To Post Here
- “Their extremely loud and fast music has won the hearts of tens, perhaps dozens, of people.”
- This Maryland metal band currently has a GoFundMe campaign to cover its planned 2016 expenses, which include recording a new album (and all the expenses that entails), touring, video(s), and merch. It’s not going well:
Medical diagnosis or band name?
- The band’s 2007 album is 47 tracks, most of which are under 30 seconds and hit all the usual medical-dictionary goofiness, though track 42 is called “The Impotence Of Being Earnest.”
Urinary Tract Infection From Severe Pus Clots
- Song: “Colostomy Bag Piñata”
Dark name, bro
- “If you like slammin’ music and heavy breakdowns then check us out!”
Gender studies and human sexuality
- Per Facebook, band description: “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re anarchists, we’ll folk you up!”
Bukkake Violence Kommando
- The band had a tape on Rotting Abortion Records, which you probably remember from that great Putrid Whore/WhoreEvil split in 2008.
- Band bio/mission statement: “Remain (Meant Rds) & Phred (La dame Noir Rds) teaming up to play Slow & Indecent Music On A Wet Tempo All Night Long.”
Various religious references
- The name is also a meme, because “dildo of god” backward is “dog food lid.”
- This goth-rock band has a video on its Facebook page in which frontman Dennis Condusta wonders why the internet hates the group. Its supremely goofy video for “Dramatic Romantics” does the band no favors:
Thy name is dumb
Thy Art Is Murder
Thy Nihilistic Serpent
These bands are exactly what you think
- “Committed to ruining both the eighties and ska, one show at a time.” It looks like they’re succeeding, per this video.
- It stands for New Age Real Change. Nope.
- Not to be confused with Prince Of Patchouli, a Cleveland shop specializing in smoking accessories and sundry ’60s stuff. Come in for your free pack of incense today!
Punny names, plays on words, portmanteaus, etc.
- This name has to have been used before, right?
- Bio: “Once we started being a band 6 years ago, we just never stopped. We’re still trying to figure out why.”
- Winner, Biggest Gulf Between Acronym & What It Stands For: Legacy Of Terror In Occupied Nations.
- Not to be confused with Go!Zilla, a download manager. “Never lose a download again!”
- This New Jersey ska-punk band is attempting to avoid litigation from the producers of Family Feud with that classic evasive move, misspelling a word. Better to look dumb than get sued!
Weird characters, punctuation, and capitalization
- Co-winner, Least Effective Name For Googling
Voted Most Likely To Be Spelled Incorrectly
Go long or go home
Just The Right Height No Bucket Required
- As explained by the man in this video, that’s the phrase abbreviated with JRHNBR, which describes when an animal has an anus or vagina at hip height, so a human male wouldn’t need to stand on something to sexually penetrate it. The video comes from a 2004 British TV documentary called Animal Passions, which examined zoophilia. (It’s on YouTube.) Now go take a shower.
- Bio: “The Department of Descriptive Services is a city service, we are here to HELP kids, foreigners, aliens, creatures of allwalks [sic] of life, even curious plants and sea life…OH!!! Let us not forget the dead, ghosts, gouls, zombies and rapscallions..to better understand the benefits and the goings on of city facilities, structures of business and public places. We are here to inform you.” Understanding that, the song titles on last year’s High Fashiost make more sense: “Hospitol” [sic], “Professional Building,” “Public Pool,” “Post Office,” “DMV.”
- Genre: “Heavy Raga-Roll Drone Journeys to the Depths of Inner & Outer Space”
Binho Incorporis Pussy Putrification Clono Infest
The Corpse In The Crawlspace
- Its 2015 album, Let There Be Corpse, blows through 30 tracks in 34 minutes—the longest, “Duodenal Devourment,” clocks in at an epic 2:36. Let There Be Corpse also features “Oozing Abdominal Lunch,” “Exquisite Empryonic [sic] Excoriation And Evisceration,” “Prolonged Bowel Prolapse,” “Vomit Snorter,” “Purulent Sphictral Ripping Afterbirth,” and many more. The grindcore scene is single-handedly keeping the medical-dictionary business solvent.
- The title comes from Extraordinary Popular Delusions And The Madness Of Crowds, a landmark 1841 book by Charles Mackay that explains everything from alchemy and mind-reading scams to economic bubbles. The band Extraordinary Popular Delusions explores another mass delusion: free jazz.
- Full name appears to be I Tried To Run Away When I Was 6 (But Got Too Scared To Cross The Street). In September, Peak Emo was reached when it released a split with Emo Side Project and Charlie Down. Short description, per Facebook: “bring a seltzer to the show and I’ll put you on the guest list.”
- “This isn’t just ‘songs about my emotions’, Its [sic] an outlet for my problems. Passionate, Heartfelt, Meaningful.” So…songs about your emotions then?
- A common trope for bios for unknown/up-and-coming bands is to claim they’re pioneering a new genre, usually with some convoluted description. To wit: “Don’t Fear The Satellites of Cincinnati is slashing through the Midwest music scene coining their own genre of what they call Fusion Dance Music. The music flows through a variety of styles capturing the essence of Progressive Rock and Fusion Jazz but also nodding to, R&B, Funk, Electronic and World Music.”
- Naturally, a band that has an album called Poser Holocaust also has a song called “No Posers Allowed.”
Kick A Ten Year Old In The Head
- Description of YouTube video for this LA/NYC duo’s song “The Big Heavy”: “this song was released on nothing. ever.”
- The press release announcing the trio’s appointment as house band of The Spike Guys’ Choice Awards declared it the “world’s craziest band.” Maybe because the members dress as sasquatch or something?
- Per Facebook, band influences: Kylie Minogue. Band interests: cheekbones.
X and Y
- Short description: “NO SAFEWORDS.” Bio: “LEATHER AND CHAINS.”
- “alternative rock with a progressive touch, fans of coheed and cambria, radiohead, pink floyd, rush, led zeppelin, and bold & creative music are welcome.” If you don’t like The Dust And The Screaming, you must not be a fan of bold and creative music.
- “Dan, Artie, and Glenn hate their day jobs. So do you, you say? Well, did you take the ennui that is your life and turn it into paying gigs that make the kids dance? We didn’t think so.”
Surgeon General’s warning
Animals, sort of
- Bio: “It’s all about Dinosaur Brocore.”
- Per its bio: “Rapidly becoming a force to be reckoned with in the Fort Wayne music scene.” First Fort Wayne, then northern Indiana, then THE WORLD.
- Bio: “…the LA-based duo has created a live show which has been described as a ‘John Hughes party on Neptune.’” Yes, it’s better to make it sound like that description came from someone besides the band.
- Latest album: Shit In The Apple Pie
- Its song “(You Got A) Pussy” consists mostly the title repeated over and over, then amended with “You got a pussy between your legs!”
- Bio, per Facebook: “Yeti Ender is a __________ (impressive adjective) band that blends the _____ (adjective) sounds of _____ (genre) with the _______ (superlative) that _______ (another genre) has to offer —- think ______ (band) meets ______ (band).
- Yeti Ender formed when _______ (band member) met _______ (another band member) in the men’s room of _________ (local park). The two of them ______ (verb, past tense) for ______ (period of time) until they met up with ________ (rest of the band). It was like ______ (noun) for the whole ________ (body part)!
Together, the ______ (number) of them _____ (verb) like no other in today’s ______ (genre) scene. With their ______ (tough-sounding adjective) riffs, _______ (pretentious adjective) lyrics, and ________ (sexy adjective) stage show, they are soon to be __________ (grandiose claim)!”
- Song titles from last year’s Visions Of Your Cat: “Motherfucking Awesome God,” “Ancient Clown Burial Ground,” “Lotion Basket.” Available via Bandcamp for $6.66.
- Sweet logo:
So it’s not just a clever name
The final frontier
- Most band bios needn’t stretch 2,173 words, but most bios aren’t also quick primers on the Khmer Rouge and its crackdown on popular music. The story of how Cambodian Space Project came together, and the shadow the Khmer Rouge still casts nearly 40 years later, justifies the epic bio—and the “Please like us on facebook!” button at the end is kind of adorable.
- Bio: “Formed:
- the brink of summer,
a moldy asthmatic basement.
Drinkin the last sips
every last box of wine,
what moon things
saw the tasty crevice of light,
it’s the fourth wave, and we’re cummin.”
- Opening lyrics to the (great) 55-second song “I Got Mad”: “Now I got mad / When one of my best friends in the world / Liked my band / When all I wanted was / Some pretty girl I never met before / To give me some wrong sense of approval / A perverted pat on the back.”
- Bio: “Hi Newish Star is a three piece from Buffalo NY and Jordan writes all the songs but he isn’t pushy about it.”
- Bio: “Hot Sauce Holiday is for everyone that wants to kick over their office desks and start dancing. We are for the eccentric outsiders, the burners, and the lovers. Join us in taking on the banality of convention.”
- Songs from 2014’s Butcher: “John Wayne Was A Rapist,” “Visual Defication” [sic],” “Black Jack Black Eating Cracker Jacks,” “The Boy Who Pounded Pony’s [sic] To Much,” “Shit Bomb The Bed,” “Burner Of Bibles, Shitter Of Beds,” “Stealing And Selling And Testing Used Dildos,” and many, many more, most lasting around 15 seconds.
- Bio: “Descending from the heavens (with an arrival point somewhere directly skyward of Los Angeles, California) looms Fire In The Hamptons: A tribal entity that has come to provide the Earth with the soundtrack for celestial lovemaking.”
Repetition repetition repetition (repeat)
- Bandcamp bio excerpt: “Media outlets please DO NOT LINK THE NUMBERED ALBUMS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT VERY GOOD”
- It looks like two groups claim this moniker: an experimental band called Kneeling Bus from Brooklyn (album: Watch The Simpsons Online Free), the other a band from Pennsylvania called The Kneeling Bus, which may or may not still exist. It doesn’t look like anyone’s claimed A Kneeling Bus yet.
- 2010 album: Repulsive Display Of Human Upholstery, which includes tracks like “Labia Beautification,” “Stench Of Her Burning Flesh,” “Gagging On Dick,” and “FUBAR (Felt Up By A Retard).” 2006’s We Keep The Dancefloor Dirty With Bottles And Shit is a little more lighthearted, with songs like “Remember That Time We Stomped That Dead Dear [sic] Carcass,” “I Have Erectile Disfunction [sic] Now Thanks To Lorraina Bobbit [sic],” and, uh, “Suturing The Fuckhole.”
Blinded with science
Dear white people
- Winner, Song That Sounds Nothing Like Its Title: “Now That I’m Taking Myself Seriously As An Artist (Wet Hot Beef Part III)”
- So diabolical they’re only on Myspace!
- Songs from this year’s You Know What Sucks? Everything: “This MegaHertz,” “I’m Just Crying And Watching Soccer,” “No History Book Could Have Prepared Me For What Happened Here,” “Salute Your Jorts!”
- The band offers a “free consultation” via text if you’re feeling lonely, stretched thin, anchor-less, or have any questions in general: 973-508-5497.
- “Experience true energy and entertainment!” screams an enormous banner on the band’s homepage. But please note: “We don’t wear Tracksuits and we are not a Wedding Band!” says its Facebook page.
- Album: The Good, The Rad, And The Ugly. Track four, “Mini Raid The Panty Fridge,” features the repeated refrain, “Don’t slam my dick in the car door!”
- Opening track on this year’s Child Prodigy: “Um Are You Gonna Finish That?”
- Bio: “uptown slick cruise sailor crackers stuck under freeway overpasses drinking chords and shitting cranberries…”
- Winner, World’s Most Boring Band Bio: “Adam and Dylan have been friends and have been in a few bands together in the past. Michael and Adam were childhood friends, but didn’t see each other much after they moved. Once they met up again years later, they realized both were musicians and the band started to take form bringing everyone together.”
- As of this writing, the group has a sad six Twitter followers.
- Bio excerpt: “We’re kinda scumbags.”
- “The band’s name, which is often shortened to ‘Shy Tech,’ is explained by [frontman David] Coulson as the vision of human beings being very advanced forms of technology: ‘Our bodies serve as vehicles to help us manifest great things and to help others. Our inner being is what controls the actions of that technology. I thought it was a funny thing explaining the soul and body connection and it seemed that the perfect way to do that was by describing it as ‘shy technology.’” So there you go.
- Bio excerpt: “Their unique hard beating electronics are heavily infused with body horror and seeks to revive us from our spectacle-induced coma.” So prepare to have you fucking mind blown, bro.
Dead Is He
- Band interests: “Playing brutal metal and consuming mass quantities of beer, tequila and Jagermister [sic].”